Spiritual ADD

I don't know if I'm the only one who gets this way, but sometimes I think I forget that God loves me. If you were to ask me I'd tell you I know he does, but sometimes my head remembers what my heart forgets. It usually happens about once a month or something like that. I start looking at my life and I see how crappy of a guy I am and how much I fail. So I try to fix myself and be good or whatever and I inevitably fall short of the mark I was aiming for. So then I get all depressed because I'm not good enough. And somewhere along the way I forget that God still loves me. I don't know why I shrug off that fact. I realize that the thing that sets a follower of Jesus apart from the rest of humanity is not that they're moral or rupublican, but that they are trying to live in the fact that God loves them. And I don't know why sometimes I forget that. I don't know why forget that God is still desperatly in love with me and desires a relationship with me and I can't be good enough to get there.

The great thing is that God always reminds me. Sometimes I'll hear a song or have a conversation or see a sunset and I hear God telling me, reminding me that I'm still his. He's not through with me and he's taking me through this. And thats good. Not always easy but good.

Fairness Pt 2

Ok I feel I need to apologize for my last post. It doesn't make much sense. I know what I meant to say it just all came out at once and got messy. It like diarrhea of the keyboard. (I just made myself not hungry) So I've been doing some pondering and soul searching I guess and I'm a little farther along than what i was. I've realised a few things. Fairness isn't a valid criteria to try to judge life through. We judge everything through the eyes of fairness. If something isn't fair we go and pitch a fit about it. But the only time we really get our pantys in a hitch is when where the ones getting the shaft. If someones cookie is nicer/bigger/more chocolate chips than mine I'm not happy. I had a hard time accepting this. I asked, "If fairness is not an issue then what's going to motivate me to go help people? If fairness doesn't exsist then childeren dying of starvation and treatable illnesses is somehow ok. It might be unfair, but fairness isn't real in the sense we think it is, so its ok." I didn't want to believe that. Then I realized I really wasn't doing that much to help people in the first place, so the notion of "fairness" wasn't really that motivational. I'm pretty selfish like that.

So the question must be asked what should motivate me to help the needy. What should motivate me to make this world a better place. I don't think answer is fairness. I think that its love. I think that Jesus fed the 5000 people who followed him out into the hills not because it was an act of social justice, but because he loved them. A lot of the times when Jesus healed or helped someone the gospels say that "He had compassion on them" or "He looked on them with compassion." And that makes this whole idea of helping people a lot harder. I should love poeple, and helping people because you love them is a lot different than making it an issue of social justice.

Fairness Pt 1

I call this part one because this issue is not resolved in my mind. I'm still trying to work through this. So be patient.

This sunday at church. I hate saying that "I went to church" as if it was a building. Its not. Its people. This Sunday when I was with the body? Much better. Dave was teaching about the idea of fairness. He told us the story from Mathew 13 about the man who hires workers and pays them all the same even though they worked different lengths of time. Dave told us that in the Kingdom of God that things don't always look like they're fair. I know Dave was speaking from his heart when he said this. He had just suffered a great tradgedy and could distinctly feel the bitter pangs from lifes unfairness.

I have a hard time with unfairness. I don't like it. Its unfair that childeren all over the world starve when I eat my full. Its unfair that good people die. I don't like it. But there's such a thing as grace. I find it interesting what Matt Thiessen says about it "The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair." Grace is really unfair.

I always kind understood God as being fair and yet grace kind of throws a monkey wrench in that. I have a hard time accepting that poverty and genocide have a place in the kingdom of Heaven. I don't think they are, but maybe for some some reason i've always equated unfairness with bad things.
Maybe fairness is not the point.
I feel that the reason that I should try to help people who are oppressed or impovrished is because their conditions are unfair. I'm scared that if fairness does not exist as we understand it then people starving is ok. Then genocide is somehow acceptable.
Maybe fairness is not the issue. Maybe I should help people not because I'm trying to make things fair, but because I love them. And I want to pour my self out for them. Maybe. I think thats why Jesus helped people. He loved them and was not concerned with "fairness." I don't know.

I've been humbled

Hey wow 2 posts in 48 hours rock on. Anywho I'm waiting for my aunt and her boyfriend to come over so I'm just chilling. Yesterday was an interesting day. I went to sociology and I haven't been there in like a week so I imagine I missed a ton of stuff like tests, but nothing too major. So anyway this guy gets up and for extra credit he gives his life story. Thats all well and good, but here's the rub: I'm a jerk. Really I am. I have this thing were I think I'm better than everyone else and no one is as sophisticated or intelligent as me. So this guy gets up there and he's a redneck, and for the last semester I've subconsciously looked down my nose at him, which I imagine is a funny sight because he towers a good foot over me. Well he gets up and is pouring his guts out about drug addiction and getting his leg amputated. Somewhere in the middle of his story I realize that I'm an ass. That this is a remarkable human being who has a story, and has seen alot more of life than me and I'm a little punk. Humbling. I wanted to hug him, but that would have been awkward for the both of us. You know I don't know a lot about Jesus and God, but I think that Jesus wouldn't look down on him. I think that Jesus would love him. And love him furiously. So I should start loving people too.

I'm sorry. I would like to apologise to everyone out there, becuase I have a hard time loving you. I'm going to try to do better, but I need God's help. So be patient with me please I'm still trying to figure this out.

Hows it going? I hope everyone is doing ok. I havn't posted anything on this for a while. I get these moments of insight, but most of the time they come to me when I'm in the shower, on the toilet, or in bed. Maybe I should get a porcelen thrown and put it at the computer desk. Or i could just carry around a toilet seat and put it on my chair whenever I sit down. Anyways..

I've had a few interesting things bouncing around in my head lately. Or maybe just one. And it's mainly that I don't know if I know God. Its kind of a scary thought. I grew up in church; if anyone knows God I should. But I got to thinking if this is a relationship I should know the other person. I have other relationships with my friends, my girlfriend, my parents, and such. I know them. But I don't know if I know God.

Well thats been a while and now I've come to the conclusion that I don't really know God. So now what do I do about it? I want to know God, but how do I go about it. I grew up reading the bible, but I read it like it was a manual or something. How do I read this book and find a God who is alive? I don't know. I guess what I'm asking is how do I begin to take God out of the philosophical/theological construct that I've alway viewed him as and begin to see him as a real living somebody? I don't know how to do that.

Oh and its raining again, Loud on your car like bullets on tin

I haven't done a post in a while so I decided I should do one. I trust that everyone who reads this is doing well.
Nothing too exciting has happened recently. School started back up on Monday. I hate school. I love learning, but I hate school. Here's why: first off I think I'm just lazy. School is such a hassle when I could be at work making money. Secondly its the attitude of the people there. Its just like high school only bigger. Everyone there is there so they can get the grades and get a stupid sheet of paper that tells the world that they're more eligible for jobs and will be more successful in life because they stayed awake in English and wrote mediocre essays. Everyone there is too passive. We're adults now. We should ask questions. We should dialogue. We should rock the boat some.
Well I got to get to going. I'll check you all later.

Monday Morning

Hey I'm back to all those who read this and care which is like no one yet. Oh well. It's monday morning and they just cancelled class so that good. I was able to write my girlfriend a note. I know I'm 20 and thats something that you do in middle school but i don't care. If you left notes for your girlfriend/wife/whoever I'm pretty sure she would enjoy it no matter what her age is.

The weekend was good. The band i'm in played a show at a place called trisha's bar and deli. I've never been there it was kind of cool. I've never been to a bar before so it was diffent. Kind of smoky but that just made it really cool when Speed turned on the strobe light and started dancing around. The crowd was a little more subdued that what i'm used to. But i think that's because 12 and 13 year old girls don't care how much you suck they just rock out. There weren't many of those at Trisha's. I say that in jest but its true. They're our only fans. I don't know if thats a good or a bad thing but oh well. I thought the show was good.

I felt good this morning. I was working on an english paper and rocking out to Angels and Airwaves. I just felt good. Like God, the one bigger than all this who is so completely other that the only way we get to understand Him is through things like poetry and 75 degree spring afternoons, like that kind of a God actually loves me. Its hard to accept given my inconsistencies and bahavior but I think he does. Well, I should get going. Check you all l8er. Love ya.